Author: Katie Kolenberg

Do you sometimes compare your life to other people’s lives? And by compare, I mean make yourself feel inadequate/inferior/undeserving/stuck because someone else seems to have it better than you.

It’s called comparisonitis.

Made easier thanks to the huge role social media has in our lives and everyone’s tendency to only post the highlight reel.

But it’s been around longer than social media. It’s a human condition, and it’s important to talk about it.

One of the things that used to make me feel like this about was how hard parenting felt when I had no family close by. Child no 1 was a challenging baby: I basically didn’t sleep for 18 months. I had to learn to be his health advocate from scratch and I had no friends or family who could relate or pick up the slack for me. I constantly looked at other people’s seemingly rosy lives where parents went on date nights, babies were cared for by grandparents and everyone looked happy and rested and I wanted to die. The truth is that I desperately needed support and didn’t know how to ask for it, let alone get it. All I had was looking outward for answers that weren’t there and the sickening realisation that this was not what I ordered.

I’ve also had it gazillions of times over my creative work, my business, my finances, my body, my age and my likability.

Through these ‘blips’, I’ve learnt that comparing my life to others is a symptom of my own dissatisfaction, or an emerging need/desire that I hadn’t had before.

This is where we can look a bit closer at the cause rather than focusing in on the symptoms. Comparisonitis is caused by:

• A feeling of discontentment in your own life/circumstances
• A lack of confidence and self esteem
• Lost focus or mojo

All these things can bring about a tendency to look outwards rather than inwards. At the first sign of comparisonitis, it’s important to switch off the triggers and cast your attention inwards. You can start by asking yourself some important questions:

• What is it I’m worrying about?
• Is it really true?
• What can I do to change it?

And then you can refocus your attention on yourself with positive action and a growth mindset.

It takes some guts to change your situation. Or to recognise that the pretty picture you might want isn’t actually the right solution for you and your unique circumstances. Or to acknowledge your hidden dreams. It’s easier to be annoyed at the ‘luck’ some people have. To feel sorry for yourself, to blame something or someone. It’s hard to delve deeper, and to truly disrupt something that feels ‘comfortable’. Often, it’s better the devil you know, you know?

Now I push. I peel back layers. I’m not scared of hard things. Comparisonitis is a soul-sucker. The only comparison that truly matters is old you and new you. And, transformation is a gift that can keep on giving, as long as you live.

K

About this time last year I found myself in an unproductive and negative headspace. I’m generally a high energy, get-shit-done person and usually have a very optimistic outlook, so it was obvious something was out of whack. It took me a while to get the balance back, and in my quest I reacquainted myself with a concept I’d long forgotten about.

Masculine and feminine energy.

If this is something you know nothing about, I strongly encourage a bit of googling as many business, self development and health experts have opinions about it, and it’s very, very interesting!

Most people tend towards masculine or feminine energy in their personality, behaviour and habits. And it has nothing to do with gender. Masculine energy is generally understood to be direct, fast, logical, and left-brain. Personality traits could be described as confidence, leadership, focus and efficiency. People with large amounts of masculine energy are more likely to be analysts, CEOs, politicians and administrators.

Feminine energy is generally understood to be nurturing, questioning, creative and right-brain. Personality traits could be described as empathy, intuition, openness and gentleness.

People with large amounts of feminine energy are more likely to be artists, writers, caregivers and therapists. Many of the polarities in nature can also be placed in masculine or feminine: positive/negative, sun/moon, light/dark, hot/cold, reason/emotion etc. And one of these things can’t exist without the other.

Experts believe that a successful, fulfilled person has a balance between masculine and feminine, and that those who lean very heavily towards one side will reach their true potential when they also learn how to access and generate the opposing energy.

Basically meaning that we all need both!

Do you feel like you’re more masculine or feminine in your daily life? What I have learnt about myself is that my natural personality traits are a nicely balanced mix, but my daily life tends to leans mostly towards masculine energy. And when I don’t give myself the opportunity to express and exist in my feminine, I become deeply frustrated and unhappy.

When thinking about this, you might realise that some things are not what they seem at first glance. Take parenting for example. It’s easy to think it requires a lot of feminine energy, but a good part of parenting today is about organisation. It’s getting from A to B, it’s school notes, sports schedules, routines, tidying up, preparing meals, packing, unpacking, keeping track of time. And all those things are masculine. Imaginary play, listening and comforting are feminine.

Think about business as another example. How many times have you heard creatives say that they might never have started a business if they’d realised that they would be doing so little ‘creating’ and so much ‘all the other stuff you have to do when you own a small business’? So. Many. Times. I believe the main reason is that most creatives are firmly in the feminine while much of business is very masculine.

Have you ever wondered why it feels so damned good when you drop everything to play with your kids for a brief moment and you suddenly feel yourself noticing the small things and feeling grateful and nourished? It’s because you stepped into your feminine when you really needed it! Or how when you’ve ticked off all the tasks on your to do list, had a successful planning meeting or analysed your business data you feel so damned accomplished and proud of yourself? It’s because you committed to your masculine and you got shit done. If you’re reading this thinking you might be very much in the masculine, then here are a few things you can explore to generate some feminine energy:

• Spend more time playing with small people, and letting them lead the way.
• Do a personal creative project just for the hell of it (with no set outcome or goal).
• Take an art or dance class.
• Practice meditation or yoga (gentle forms like Hatha, rather than hard forms like Bikram).

If you need to get more grounding in the masculine, you could try:

• Applying some structure and discipline to your daily routines and calendar.
• Get a personal trainer or join a goal oriented exercise program.
• Learn to master a technical or practical skill.

Another approach is to play around with your household responsibilities. You know how it’s really common in a lot of families that Dad is the fun machine and Mum get rejected as soon as Dad walks in the door? It’s not because Dad is more fun, it’s because Mum has been doing all the masculine action/discipline based tasks all day, but kids just want to play, so when Dad sits on the floor with them and lets the kids tell him what to do, he gets showered with love and attention! And for some men, this is their only regular, accessible opportunity to let their feminine energy flow!

A lot of women run the household. And if a woman is working full time in a masculine workplace and running the household, she is definitely going to be losing out on some feminine energy.

Something I’ve learnt about running business is that there is actually a really wonderful balance of masculine and feminine energy to be harnessed, but you really have to understand what you’re looking at and find the balance in your tasks, roles and responsibilities to make this work. For me, this has been a year’s work in progress and I’m finally starting to see the rewards.

Being a balanced human makes you feel better, and feeling good raises your self- esteem and your vibration and makes you more likely to achieve your goals and reach your potential. Most of us are nowhere near it, and life is really good at distracting us and putting obstacles in our way. Every step I take closer to my potential makes me feel like I’ve unlocked an exciting new level in the game of life, and one of my missions is to bring as many people with me as I can!

K.